AIDS (Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome) is one of many fatal
diseases that in our time has emerged as epidemic. Simply put, it is
the impairment of the body's immune system which in turn may leave the
individual vulnerable to opportunistic illness and infection which in
turn can prove fatal. By taking a moment to reflect on the grief and
bereavement caused by this devastating affliction, I do not mean to
suggest that other disorders such as cancer, heart attack, stroke,
Parkinson's, or Alzheimer's, for example are less traumatic or somehow
not as difficult to grieve through. Rather, I feel that there are so
many other complicating issues around this particular infection that
further reflection and care is essential.
Society often attaches a stigma to AIDS that can complicate the
grieving process. Such a predetermination of moral judgement can cause
attention to be focused away from the actual death of a loved one and
unto a moral debate instead. Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome is a
disease that anyone: male or female, adult or child, homosexual or
heterosexual can contract and through a variety of ways.
Furthermore, it is not just a disorder peculiar to the gay community,
nor is it only transmitted sexually. In fact, world-wide more
heterosexual people are HIV positive or have AIDS then homosexual. In
fact, the fastest growing sector of society being infected today in
North America are young teenage and adult heterosexuals.
One becomes infected by the exchange of body fluids or blood products.
Although sexual contact is still the main way this virus is
transmitted, it can also be passed on through the sharing of
contaminated needles among drug users, or tainted blood such as that
which has infected many hemophiliacs. Hospital personnel usually
exercise extreme caution when dealing with bodily fluids as there is a
risk of contamination from a needle prick, for example. But casual
social contact, such as a handshake, a hug or a kiss, cannot spread it;
nor can the sharing of eating utensils, a toothbrush, clothes or other
possessions.
There is so much information available to the public on these issues
of transmission and infection, that it would be both unnecessary and
redundant to deal with this topic in depth in this pamphlet.
The lens that I which to look through is more concerned with the
pastoral and human response, that of offering comfort and support to
those grieving over someone who has died as a result of AIDS. Moral
arguments regarding AIDS or life-styles s I leave to those whose areas
are their concern. Suffice it to say that God's love for people is
without limits. God is a caring and healing Presence. From a Christian
perspective, Jesus always cures in the Gospel stories without moral
condemnation but always with gentle compassion. We need look no further
for an understanding of the proper pastoral and human response to AIDS
or any other sickness.
Religions and denominations differ over the questions of sexual
orientation and alternative relationships. Likewise, clergy within
faiths often run the gamut of outlooks. This pamphlet does not champion
one view or the other, but rather one urges a caring, non-judgmental
response as that which is most appropriate. Perhaps in our times
someone like Mother Theresa of Calcutta incarnates this attitude best.
Her hospices for people with AIDS do not discriminate or sermonise
against those who seek her help. She and her community just love and
care for all who need help.
When AIDS also involves the question of being gay, some individuals
or families may feel confused about how to go about arranging a funeral
or memorial for their loved one. Sometimes there may be a double shock
for example: parents finding out for the first time that their son is
gay and that he is also dying of AIDS. Many families feel overcome by
such revelations. But your children are always your children, that does
not change. The love you had raising them is the same love that you
must continue to shown them even in sickness or death, or perhaps
especially in sickness and death. Viruses are totally blind to labels
of gay or straight, white or colour, let alone religion or
denomination. The only response acceptable on our part should be that
of unconditional love. Judgement or condemnation should not and must
not have any place in our caring response. To do less is to admit that
the real disease that needs to be faced is perhaps not AIDS but
homophobia instead
As well, if the deceased was in a relationship, there may be a
domestic partner to consider and include, in the plans and ceremonies.
Sometimes this individual has already been appointed the executor
formerly by the other. If not, then every effort should be made to
include them in arrangements out of respect the choices and wishes of
your loved one. Once again, reproach or moral censure have no place in
our desire to honour and celebrate the life and memory of someone whom
we have loved so deeply. You may struggle with or be confused by the
non-traditional relationship that your loved one had but at least
politeness and courtesy should be a minimum presumption. A domestic
partner has a need to have their story heard and their grief
acknowledged and supported. Often they were the one most involved in
the direct care and support of your loved one especially prior to their
death. You may even discover that the commonalty of your loss may make
you both a lot closer than you could realise.
Again, this pamphlet is not intended as a defence for or an
advocating of an alternative lifestyle; rather it is an acknowledgement
that an authentic spiritual faith must be at the very basis for our
response to AIDS. Many people living with disease have found real
profound spiritual peace. Questions of mortality clarify our values in
order to concentrate on what and who are really important. Often our
relationship with the Eternal One either deepens or is rediscovered.
Clergy, especially those trained in pastoral care, within health care
settings, are catalysts in this spiritual journey. Faith, Hope and Love
are still gifts that bring comfort and assurance. Prayer, meditation,
scripture, sacraments, and religious ritual all are invaluable supports
before, during or after the death of a loved one from AIDS or any other
disease. The Higher Power never abandons us, even at death; for to die
is simply to fall into the loving and peaceful embrace of the God who
created us.
Your clergy person or funeral director will be able to assist you in
your deliberations and help dispel some of the myths that abound. As
well, there are many support groups within the gay and straight
communities that may also be of help. There is no need to be in
ignorant about AIDS or to leave the many questions you might have
unanswered. Whatever assistance you seek will enable you to deal in a
sensitive and an appropriate way with your grief.
Community Resources
Depending on your locale, some support sources may not be present. A
family doctor, mental health centre, hospital, social worker,
counsellor, clergy or your funeral director can assist you with an
appropriate referral in these cases.
The following are non-profit societies in Vancouver that offer
services and support to people who are HIV+ or people with AIDS, their
families, friends and caregivers. Other major centres in B.C. often
have their own AIDS organisation. Consult your phone book or mental
health centre for a referral within your own community.
AIDS VANCOUVER - (604 - 687-2437) -
B.C. Persons with Aids - (604 - 681-2122 ext. 308)
PARC - PACIFIC AIDS RESOURCE CENTRE - (604 - 681-2122 or 1-800-994-2437 - ext. 303)
VANCOUVER FRIENDS FOR LIFE SOCIETY - (604 - 682-5992)
YOUTHCO - (YOUNG PEOPLE WITH HIV/AIDS) (604 - 688-1441)
HOSPICE - Supports the dying person and their family, before, during and after a death.
Friends and Caregivers Support Groups - A variety are offered
through several community and church programs. Contact any of the above
for more information.
Suggesteed Reading
There are many books available on this topic. The following are a few that I recommend.
AIDS - The Basics
When a Friend Has Aids
Gone... When Someone Close to You has Died of Aids
The above pamphlets are available through Aids Vancouver.
Donnelly, Katherine Fair, Recovering From the Loss of a Loved One to Aids, St. Martin's Press, 1994.
Shelp, Earl E., Sunderland, Ronald H. & Mansell, Peter W.A.,
AIDS, PERSONAL STORIES IN PASTORAL PERSPECTIVE, The Pilgrim Press,
1982.
Tilleraas, Perry. The Color of Light, Harper & Row, 1988
