The death of a spouse is a great tragedy for the survivor. No two
situations are the same and each can bring particular difficulties.
Normally we tend to think of death coming during old age and the
survivor, usually the widow, having to adjust to being alone and
handling all those tasks that were formally taken care of by the
husband now deceased.. Statistically, we know that wives do outlive
husbands an average of five to eight years longer and more often for
even several decades. However, we also know that even young people lose
partners as well and a young wife or husband may find themselves alone
with several babies, fewer resources, or while trying to hold down a
job at the same time.
As liberated as modern marriages have become, it is still safe to say
that the conventional husband/wife roles still prevail. Even women
working outside the home are expected to be responsible for everything
within the house: the housekeeping, meal preparing, and children
rearing. Husbands, in turn, still see themselves as the main
breadwinners and household financial managers, as well as caretakers of
the outside house, grounds, and car. The result of these divisions is
obvious. Upon the death of either spouse, the other is often
ill-prepared to assume the responsibilities of the other. A husband for
example may find himself totally or partially unequipped to cook, clean
or take care of children as well as his deceased spouse. The most
recent studies indicate that widowers have a worse time of handling
grief then widows. Part of this is due to a more limited support system
on the part of men than of women. As well, husbands tend to be so much
more dependent on their wives for emotional and physical support. When
a wife dies the husband looses these significant anchors.
Likewise, couples often work in tandem together. A socially shy
husband might find it easy to function with an outgoing wife by his
side. If she dies however, this harmonious ability to function is
broken and he may find himself a passive observer of life instead of a
participant.
So much of social life circulates around being a couple that it is
not unnatural to feel awkward or excluded from daily events. Often the
widow may feel abandoned by once numerous friends. Adding to this loss
is the pain that loneliness can bring. A couple married for thirty,
forty or fifty years have obviously established strong routines and
patterns. When they abruptly cease it takes time to develop new ones to
replace the vacuum. When a partner dies they lose a friend, companion,
lover, spouse, financial and work partner. They also however often lose
their identity as a married person, as a spouse of the other. Practical
changes immediately follow including sometimes a decrease in income or
living standard, but always a change in day to day life patterns. It
takes time to establish new identities and routines. Physical health
can also decline more rapidly after a spouse dies as the satisfaction
with the 'quality of life' decreases.
It is not uncommon for a widow or widower to slide into a long
depression. There also may be a temptation to retreat and to stay in
one's shell or to become over dependent or overly demanding upon one's
children. Either are forms of escape and can become disruptive to
family systems. Facing one's needs square on and doing as much as
possible by one's self or with the aid of support groups helps nourish
the feeling of control and reintegration into daily life.
Often there is a tendency to canonise the deceased, to remember only
the good things and none of the bad. Their belongings can likewise
become "holy relics" and their rooms "sacred shrines." Although none of
this is necessarily bad in itself, eventually time brings a perspective
that allows one to disengage and begin the process of sorting through
belongings. There can be a danger of making sudden decisions such as
selling the house or even in extreme case wanting to get remarried as
soon as possible. A good rule of thumb is to make no major decisions
for at least a year.
A less discussed issue is the fact that the death of a spouse can
bring freedom and a new lease on life for those who feel trapped in a
loveless or problematic marriage. It is important to note this because
as genuinely tragic and sorrowful as a loss may be there is often a
feeling of relief and independence as well. Sometimes one may then in
turn feel guilty about enjoying such a sense of relief. Likewise, if
one has been the caregiver for a terminal spouse the ensuing liberation
that comes with their release from pain and suffering and your own
release from the stress and work of tending to them can be almost
euphoric.
Community Resources
Depending on your locale, some support sources may not be present. A
family doctor, mental health centre, hospital, social worker,
counsellor, clergy or your funeral director can assist you with an
appropriate referral in these cases.
HOSPICE - Supports the dying person and their family, before, during and after a death.
W.H.O. - Widows Helping Others - On-going support group
Suggested Reading
Caine, Lynn, Widow, New York, 1974.
Kohn, Jane Burgess & Kohn, Willard K., The Widower, Boston: Beacon Press, 1978.
